Phoenyx Posted June 22, 2010 Report Share Posted June 22, 2010 My heart is so heavy this morning. I am absolutely bereft without her. I don't know what to do with myself Thinking of you, I know how hard it is You know where we are xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clare Posted June 22, 2010 Report Share Posted June 22, 2010 My heart is so heavy this morning. I am absolutely bereft without her. I don't know what to do with myself :GroupHug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittycat Posted June 22, 2010 Report Share Posted June 22, 2010 So very sorry , thinking of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemstone Posted June 22, 2010 Report Share Posted June 22, 2010 So sorry Jules Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags Posted June 22, 2010 Report Share Posted June 22, 2010 So sorry Jules. Run free Tess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
houndzrus Posted June 23, 2010 Report Share Posted June 23, 2010 My heart is so heavy this morning. I am absolutely bereft without her. I don't know what to do with myself :GroupHug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacobean Posted June 23, 2010 Report Share Posted June 23, 2010 Keep thinking of you. Such an awful time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel n Hardy Posted June 24, 2010 Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 My heart is so heavy this morning. I am absolutely bereft without her. I don't know what to do with myself We're all thinking of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fee Posted June 24, 2010 Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 Thinking of you at this horrible time. It may not feel like it at the moment but it will get easier Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulesB Posted June 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 Thanks everyone. I feel like I am in such a dark place at the minute. I'm sure you are all right and it will ease eventually but I've got a physical pain and I just want to stay under the duvet and howl. Little Whuppety Jake is inconsolable and gets upset if I am upset, so I'm trying to put a cheery face on for him. I'm going to pick up her ashes this afternoon, and then me, Jake and her are going for a walk on the fell. I know it's not logical or helpful, but I keep going over and over everything, wishing I'd done things differently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clare Posted June 24, 2010 Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 :GroupHug: trying to deal with the prospect of losing Murf these last few days I have cried, felt the most extreme physical pain and grief than I have ever known in my life, I can only imagine the pain you are going through at the moment and I know there are no words to help but please don't think you did anything other than the very best for Tess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulesB Posted June 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 That's the thing that's killing me though Clare, I don't think I did. I wish so hard we had brought her home on Saturday, when she tried to get up as we left. She was so distressed. And it might not have changed the outcome, but at least she would have died at home, surrounded by everything that was familiar. When we went back on Sunday all the fight had gone out of her eyes and she wouldn't respond, not even for me. She must have thought we had abandoned her, and I can'tlive with that thought I'm so sorry things are so hard for you with Murf at the minute. I know how hard it is when you are on the rollercoaster, willing them to get better and worrying your heart out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merledogs Posted June 24, 2010 Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) Thanks everyone. I feel like I am in such a dark place at the minute. I'm sure you are all right and it will ease eventually but I've got a physical pain and I just want to stay under the duvet and howl. Little Whuppety Jake is inconsolable and gets upset if I am upset, so I'm trying to put a cheery face on for him. I'm going to pick up her ashes this afternoon, and then me, Jake and her are going for a walk on the fell. I know it's not logical or helpful, but I keep going over and over everything, wishing I'd done things differently. Jules it's perfectly natural to feel that way I sometimes go over in my mind things that I should have done differently on Milly's last day and night, if I had that time again it would be so different and the guilt just kills me, but neither you nor I had the benefit of hindsight at the time. trying to deal with the prospect of losing Murf these last few days I have cried, felt the most extreme physical pain and grief than I have ever known in my life, I can only imagine the pain you are going through at the moment and I know there are no words to help but please don't think you did anything other than the very best for Tess I remember that pain too well with both Max and Milly - I would just look at them and the pain and grief would physically overwhelm me, so I know how awful you are feeling and my heart goes out to you Edited June 24, 2010 by merledogs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenyx Posted June 24, 2010 Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 (edited) That's the thing that's killing me though Clare, I don't think I did. I wish so hard we had brought her home on Saturday, when she tried to get up as we left. She was so distressed. And it might not have changed the outcome, but at least she would have died at home, surrounded by everything that was familiar. When we went back on Sunday all the fight had gone out of her eyes and she wouldn't respond, not even for me. She must have thought we had abandoned her, and I can'tlive with that thought I can't say don't go over things because you will, we all do but you did the right thing by giving Tess the chance to heal herself. The damage to her neck meant that she couldn't get up but only full rest could have let you know that and she wouldn't have got that unless she was kept calm and away from 'normal'. Yes, with hindsight, it didn't bring the outcome we all hoped for but there was a chance that it could have. I'm sure most of us on here would have done something differently for one of ours if we could but you have to remember that you did what was the best option. You didn't abandon her, you came back, and she knew that. You were with her at the end, she knew you were there, and that's what she would have focused on and what matters. xxx Edited June 24, 2010 by Phoenyx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted June 24, 2010 Report Share Posted June 24, 2010 That's the thing that's killing me though Clare, I don't think I did. I wish so hard we had brought her home on Saturday, when she tried to get up as we left. She was so distressed. And it might not have changed the outcome, but at least she would have died at home, surrounded by everything that was familiar. When we went back on Sunday all the fight had gone out of her eyes and she wouldn't respond, not even for me. She must have thought we had abandoned her, and I can'tlive with that thought I am so sorry that you've been left with this feeling of guilt on top of everything else - but the problem is that so much of what happened was beyond your control. At times like that, we have to go along with the vet's advice - you didn't know what was ahead, and everything you did - including agreeing not to see Tess - was done in her best interests, because you took the vet's advice...and you did all that, and sacrificed your own interests (because of course you'd rather have had her at home) to give her a chance. It's tempting to look back and make judgements about our behaviour, to torment ourselves about why we took a certain course of action, but real life isn't clear-cut. Your choices were limited from the start - not even the vet was able to predict the outcome, so there was nothing you could do except go along - optimistically - with his suggestions It's heart-breaking, and only time will help you come to terms with it all. The blessing is that Tess's life with you was rich and full of love, and she has gone where there is no more pain or fear. You're still her mum, and that means you continue to suffer, but it will ease, and you will remember the best times one day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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