Clare Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 When my parter left earlier this year I posted here and got wonderful advice and support. It all felt so hopeless back then but now things are brighter, and I am sure with the support from your friends and Fugees you will follow the light to the end of the tunnel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
safneo Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 I too know the devastation, the desolation and the feeling that someone has just pulled your insides out. Please get help to get through this. You need someone to lean on and someone who can help you to think straighter about the important things. You mention a family member/business partner...... can that person not help to support you too? I phoned a girl I worked with in the abscence of any real friends when I was delivered the awful news. She was a godsend and became a very close and loyal friend and still is. Its amazing how many people are there for you but you dont realise when you dont need them. As others have said, there are many people on here who will support you too. If you need to chat away about how you are feeling, you can post on here and people will 'talk' you through things. I know that other people have done before and gotten through. It does seem like the world has collapsed at the moment but you will start building things back up slowly when you get over the shock. Give yourself time to adjust then try to do positive things to move forward, like sorting your finances, making new friends, throwing yourself into the business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merledogs Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 I can only echo what others have said - let your friends help you through this You are grieving for the end of a relationship so allow yourself some time to do that - but not too long. Focus on sorting out the practical problems initially, if you do that then at least you will feel like you are doing something and there's be less to worry about if you get things sorted. I know jobs are hard to come by these days, but have a look around and see what's out there, you may be surprised. Sending lots of positive thoughts for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ranirottie Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 Isn't there a scheme now where you can get a break from your mortgage if you are in difficulty or on income support? I think that might be the first road to take,getting some financial support. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickentikka Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 Kelly he really had a stranglehold over your life didn't he? You were totally dependent on him both emotionally and financially, no wonder your confidence has gone. I remember when you were applying for jobs a while ago - you were offered 2 pretty quickly, you can do it again honestly you can. You are bright, warm and beautiful. In the meantime look after yourself and slowly take control of your life again, get back in touch with your friends and as others have said, speak to your mortgage company and any other people you owe money to. I understand that you are in shock and grieving for your relationship, so take care and allow yourself to heal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendbert Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 Oh Kelly, I am so, so sorry There's been some great advice already but the only thing I can add is could you get a lodger in the short term? There's a website called Easy Room Mate and you can be very specific about your lifestyle etc, so could be worth a try in the short term. I'm not a million miles away so if you feel like meeting up for a walk & a chat, just let me know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joshnbecks Posted July 12, 2009 Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 tons of hugs Kelly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachy Posted July 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Thank you for all the replies and lovely messages. I promise I'll reply to the PMs but I'm feeling really raw at the moment and I'm trying not to spend time online because I know I'll be tempted to stare at Steve's work roster or start emailing him. I went through my finances with my Dad yesterday. He's told me that I must get myself along to Citizens Advice this morning to see if I'm entitled to any help in the short term. Also, he's suggested that I take Steve up on his offer to help me financially - if it still stands. I don't think Steve was thinking that he should continue to pay all the bills but my Dad has insisted that that would be the fair and honourable thing for him to do for up to three months. I already had the house before I met Steve so he's not obliged to pay for anything. Oddly enough, Steve rang me last night. He had literally just left work and always used to ring on his way home. Looks like he can't break his routine. He sounded quite down and subdued so I naturally said I was sad it was over but had realised I'd be ok. So far from the truth but some bawling down the phone isn't very attractive, is it. I told him about all the things I had plans to do and how I'd been gradually thinking about making a different life for myself because he made me realise that I wasn't actually happy either. More fibs on my part but I do realise that I was lonely and dependent. He was definitely knocked for six and said he'd been looking at houses nearer to where he works but he doesn't want to view any yet because he doesn't know what he wants. Then he went on to say he can't stay at his Dads because he hates it so much and is worried about the future. My Dad rang Steve yesterday morning and asked if he could meet him so they could have a chat about things and to understand things a bit clearer. To my absolute surprise, Steve agreed and they're meeting later today. In the meantime, Steve's coming here at 2.30 today to pick up some things. The biggest part of me wants to believe that Steve was having a 'man moment', panicked and ran instead of confronting things. Maybe he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. I so desperately want it to be retrievable and I know we'd both have to do things differently. On the other hand, I'm terrified and sure he's so undecided about what he wants from life that he'll walk away to find a new life that seems right to him even though he doesn't know what that is. My two friends who I thought didn't care about me have been wonderful. The one that was in labour when she rang me on Saturday spent yesterday supporting me by text and the other friend has been on the phone lots and is coming here later today to stay the night. I've spent the weekend with either my parents or my brother and sister in law to keep busy. My nearly-three year old niece adored Steve and he felt the same. She made a picture for him yesterday and I've got that to give to him today. She nearly broke my heart all over again. Today feels more scary because just about everyone else goes to work and I'm scratching around trying to find things to do. I haven't cried yet today but I still can't eat a thing. I last ate on Thursday lunchtime. I have no appetite at all. I'm sure I'll be back later in absolute pieces again after seeing Steve later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendbert Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Hope you get through the day ok, especially seeing Steve later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fee Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Do you have to be there when he comes round? You're welcome to come over here if you'd rather not see him or if you just want to get out of the house for a bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
collies r best Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 :GroupHug:for you and aren't your friends and your dad lovely Its so hard picking up the pieces but instead of looking into the future just do it one day or a week at a time. As others have said mortgage is priority for sorting out, the rest can wait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barb Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Can you not put his stuff in a dag and leave it where he can find it, if you see him in your raw state he may persuade you to do things you don't want to. Wait a while before you confront him when you are feeling stronger. Your friends and your Dad sound wonderfull, listen to them, they can see things clearer than you at the moment. Lots of for you, hope you will feel better about yourself soon Barbara Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
owl Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 I'm relieved to hear Steve is willing to help financially for 3 months. It's the honourable thing to do, as you gave up work to be able to see more of him, and he gave you very little warning if his departure. I'm going to be really mundane and say you NEED to eat something, or you will feel worse and get low blood sugar and you won't be able to think clearly. Don't attempt a meal if you can't face it, but keep the fluids up and drink fruit juice, tomato juice, V8 veg juice and maybe a bit of soup. Have some Complan or other fortified drink if you can. Try a bit of fruit or a yogurt. Nibble nuts and raisins. Do it for your family and friends and dogs and for us Fugees ... please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotslass Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 If it's at all possible, please get yourself some professional counselling. Use your friends, talk to anyone you can trust, but it sounds as though you need to look at your self-esteem - with someone detached from the situation. I'm sure many of us on here will identify with your situation; your OH may seem supportive, but he's undermined you and taken away your self-belief. Why would he tell you your friends wouldn't be there for you? That's exactly what my ex used to do - he was (apparently) loving and supportive, but gradually, he becamse the only person in my world, by controlling what I did and the people I could see; all done quite "innocently", of course. When I showed signs of gaining independence and coping without his control (as you have just done, by telling your OH you wanted something different too), he panicked, and promised everything would change. It didn't, of course. Men like this are often weak and needy, but they encourage their partner to become the needy one, since that makes them look strong. I'd stay clear of him until you can think with a clear head - and you can't think at all, if you don't eat. Maybe I am wrong about him, maybe he is just having a bit of a crisis, but you need to look after you. His emotional problems are his to deal with - stop concentrating on him, amd think of your own mental and physical health for the moment. As Owl has said, make yourself eat something. Soup, yoghurt, milk puddings, soft scrambled eggs, anything you can swallow without having to chew. Drink milk if you can. I'd be in two minds about the continuing support. Yes, if he pays for expenses for a limited time, with no strings attached. But don't allow it to become another excuse for him to control what you do. Independence is a valuable thing for any woman to have - and a truly loving, generous man won't have any problem coping with an independent woman. Whatever happens, get yourself to a point where you can cope alone. Get a full-time job. It isn't only your responsibility to arrange to have time together - you shouldn't plan your life around a man's needs. Your job, and your life, are equally important. Take care. Use your family and friends to stay strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel n Hardy Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 Can only echo what other people have said Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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